Wanting more intimacy beyond foreplay or sex is not a strange desire especially when that’s all you’re getting – sex. Most of the men i’ve been with made me feel abnormal and excessive for my desire to do more things besides fuck in order to connect with them. Fucking was always a part of ‘we’. A part of what we were. Granted, I enjoyed it at times. I actually came to expect it which eventually became an issue because that’s all i wanted it from him. He’d get angry that I’d get angry when he wouldn’t give me dick, but that was my only way to be intimate with him. And he didn’t even know it. Or maybe he did, and just didn’t know what that meant to either of us.
Two weeks ago my ex boyfriend told me he didn’t want to fuck me anymore. In so many words.
I said “do you wanna fuck me or not?” after a normal routine curse out and he said “i’m good.”
and I said nothing. I’ll remember reading and re reading that text for a very long time. I believe there was one one other time I didn’t respond to something he said. I guess there’s a first time for everything. it hurt. It felt unexpected but in retrospect I don’t know why I was the least bit shocked.
It maybe because he finally became fed up with me.
It may mean he never actually gave a fuck about me beyond fucking me when it was convenient.
It may be because I gave his number to multiple strangers on the internet and told them to call me and send dick pics.
It could be a number of things and a mix of things but most likely a mix of things. I do wonder if he’ll ever talk to me and I wonder if he’s waiting for the last thought of me to float out of his brain.