a tell-tale from childhood about anxiety.

I was walking on the sidewalk in my residential complex by a black metal fence probably bordering the park. It was mid evening, and summer because it was late but still bright outside. I often recall a certain event from that day. I’ve remembered this event since it happened it seems. It pops in my…

Old Journal Entry, Summer ’17:

Old journal entry, Summer July 2017: I have a hunger and thirst for inner purpose and self discovery. I want to…discover me. I want to create a comprehensive narrative for my soul to understand. I’m not a spiritual person, but I don’t know a better way to convey what I’m feeling. The cat staring at…

Humans: Creatures of Habit

Familiarity breeds contempt but it also breeds endorphins. I believe humans are creatures of habit because it’s evolutionarily beneficial to form habits. We connect positive feelings with familiarity and how is familiarity gained? By doing something over and over again. When we form habits, routines, and rituals it helps us feel whole. It sends our brains the…

Cry For Help

My head be hurting from all the thoughts I won’t let out. From all the stifled screams and shouts, from all the what ifs, and self doubts, from all the pain, I insist on gaining, because I can’t control my weight. Because I can’t find the tools that I need to shape my fate. I…

Seventeen Again

I wish I was 17 or 7 again I miss the not knowing I miss the moment before I forgot what happiness was, before I forgot what purpose was, before I was statutorily raped, before I lost my way, before I was ripped away from the only person that ever understood who I was.. Before…

the story of a heart part 2:

after finding a new route home from work, the woman began to think about what she saw on her routine walk home just two days ago on a dreary Sunday evening. she began to obsess over that bloody, beat up heart. her heart. she seemed to forget it was her heart. it was clearly her…

the story of a heart:

a woman was was heading home from work on a dreary Sunday evening.  she took a very specific route everyday.  it was her routine. it was drizzling rain. the ground was barely wet. suddenly she felt something spongy and soft crush beneath her right boot. she stopped and peered down at her feet. there it…

Wear And Tear

I wouldn’t be surprised if my breath smells like death and my words sound like loneliness and my face looks like despair.   I wouldn’t be surprised nor would I care. All the wear and tear looks the same to me. sounds and looks and feels the same to me.   I don’t see how…

A moment of hope arises.

I tend to write blog posts when I am doing terrible and feeling defeated, but what about the times when I am feeling hopeful and determined? I realize I simply never celebrate my accomplishments yet acknowledge every mistake I make. I tend to make huge mistakes, because I believe a lot of my life has…

Just My Luck

I hope I get to die young like my brother. that dude is one lucky motherfucker. I hope I get hit by a drunk trucker. Or shot dead by a mugger who just really need that 1.50 I had in my bag, man, I’m glad, that’s all you got for taking my life. I’m glad…

personal thoughts. the holidays are hard.

  I’m collapsing under the weight of my shoulders It’s getting harder to hold my head up. everything feels heavy. I think I may be mentally ill. gravely (at times) and I can’t afford to get any medicine to help me heal. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I think…

dark brown haired beauty.

  dark brown haired beauty  words coalescing up and down her curves  shades of culture in her undertones as the sun glistens off her skin  how can we access this gem?  she’s not here for display  so it’s okay if you never get near her  choose to worship or fear her, either way it’s a…

a pep talk with myself:

  I’m easily discouraged due to my easily thwarted efforts to stick to anything. I am trying to create a routine that will give me a sense of stability and control although I have the desire to let my life crumble around me. I’m trying to add things to my routine I actually enjoy and…