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I was walking on the sidewalk in my residential complex by a black metal fence probably bordering the park. It was mid evening, and summer because it was late but still bright outside. I often recall a certain event from that day. I’ve remembered this event since it happened it seems. It pops in my brain even now,  18 years later. I was walking with my babysitter and perhaps her little sister or some other younger child that she was also baby sitting. My baby sitter reminded me of Laura from Family Matters. She had pretty thick black hair, down to her shoulders and dark brown skin. I think she had on a striped shirt. I was no older than 7 years old.

I was walking behind her when I began praying to myself. Or chanting something to myself. Or, maybe I was just talking to myself in a hushed voice. Whatever I was doing was peculiar and my baby sitter told me to stop. But I began again. I was so compelled to continue I even attempted to talk lower so she couldn’t hear me, and she told me to be quiet again with much more aggression this time. I don’t know how many times she demanded me to stop. I believe she had to tell me that children don’t do that, and that it’s quite strange for me to continue to do that — to talk to yourself. I think at that moment I understood I was not like every other child. Maybe even most children. I remember feeling very embarrassed and very nervous and uncomfortable. And very small. Smaller than I had ever felt and I was only 7 years old. That was one of the first times I was filled with anxiety.

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All My Girlfriends,

 

 

Awllll my girlfriends are manifestations of G A W D

AWL MY GIRLFRIENDS? are much stronger than they seem

ALL of my girlfriends are brilliant suns that shine and gleam

( Inside of their veins, it is glittering )

their hips AND their wits and their words with those LIPS? is spine shivering.

All of MY girlfriends have known and grown from pain

All of MY girlfriends can turn strain into gain,

learn from their mistakes,

tell the real from the fake,

give WAY more than they take,

and do it AWL with effortless grace…

and AWL I’m tryna say is, I love my girlfriends. 

 

 

Write Enough

I don’t write enough.

I could never write enough.

I will write forever.

I will write for free.

I will write for freedom.

I will write for me. I

will write for accolades.

I will write for pay.

I will write because I’m happy.

I will write to feel the pain.

I will write to see again.

I will write to be, again.

I will write to make a way.

I will write when there’s no way.

I will write every single day.

But I still won’t write enough.

Sipping On Some Irony…

It tastes like a 2013 Cabernet Sauvignon.  As  I quench my thirst, I realize I must satiate a hunger.

I have been hungry for inner purpose  and self discovery.

I am starving to discover me.

I want to create a comprehensive narrative for my soul to understand.

That’s a metaphor and a literal statement at the exact same time.

Like most things coalescing in my mind, there’s always some paradoxical contradictions emerging inside of here.

Fragmented Thoughts on Nostalgia

 

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sometimes…. when you get nostalgic, your heart gets so heavy it makes your chest cave in, and you feel a wide, hollow space between your breastplate. and you could reach your spine if you were to reach behind you. it’s that hollow. it’s nothing there and you feel empty. and lost.

when… a feeling of nostalgia strikes me, it makes my stomach hurt. like childhood films, or old flames, all the same they make my digestive tract spasm and my stomach fill with acid and bubbles. it’s uncomfortable. facing the past is uncomfortable whether it’s a sad sight or a happy moment, both the same, both make my stomach churn.

the smell of summer is a painful memory…. the nostalgia fills my bones and paralyzes me in time.

you can barely manage to get through 2 minutes and 30 seconds of a song you adore. the feelings it rekindles cause you great anguish. they swirl inside you, sweeping you up and bringing you to the brink of an emotional breakdown…  so you stop the song.

worst feelings to feel:

I experience emotions quite intensely. Some emotion can even be debilitating. Below are some of the worst moods for me to experience. I know everyone has felt like this before, but it can be difficult for me to deal with at times. I don’t mean to be whiny.

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sadness.

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grief. 

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regret.

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embarrassment.

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fear.

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Fleeting Things.

I find myself searching for some type of satisfaction, in a number of fleeting things. I find myself looking for validation in these fleeting things; shitty men, unhealthy food, numerous retweets or likes. I hyperfocus on these things.

If I care about my self betterment, I actually need to hyperfocus on completely immersing myself in my art. I need to create things that I cannot only see myself in but feel validation from. It may not always bring joy, but clarity and validation is something I strive to to receive from my art. That’s what art (often) does and should provide for me.

The quick spurt of satisfaction felt from receiving a retweet or text message, or even eating a cheeseburger has no longevity. The type of growth that will result from finding clarity and validation is not only long lasting but will ultimately improve my life whereas the short lived satisfaction improves my mood only for a short moment.

I can’t completely sever my relationship with all the fleeting things in my life. I’m just not at that stage in my life yet. I have more maturing to do. But as I grow, I slowly make the steps to break the ties and I see the improvements these decisions make on my every day life.

Old Journal Entry, Summer ’17:

Old journal entry, Summer July 2017:

I have a hunger and thirst for inner purpose and self discovery. I want to…discover me. I want to create a comprehensive narrative for my soul to understand. I’m not a spiritual person, but I don’t know a better way to convey what I’m feeling.

The cat staring at me as I write, I don’t know why I found that poetic, but I felt it eloquent enough to transcribe.

Humans: Creatures of Habit

Familiarity breeds contempt but it also breeds endorphins. I believe humans are creatures of habit because it’s evolutionarily beneficial to form habits. We connect positive feelings with familiarity and how is familiarity gained? By doing something over and over again. When we form habits, routines, and rituals it helps us feel whole. It sends our brains the message that we’re “on the right track”. It’s overall beneficial for our human development and ultimately evolutionary progress.

The possible downfall of forming routines? Well, when we become complacent with our habits and rituals, the familiarity of routine can breed contempt due to the fact we become solely dependent on them to get through the day. This makes us stagnant, stifling growth and development. We get stuck in habits and routines and begin to feel trapped, leading to a feeling of helplessness and a sense of low self worth.

To avoid this outcome, it’s important to form healthy habits, but not to get too comfortable with one set of habits or rituals. Some routines are worth keeping around for the rest of your life, like washing your hands after using the bathroom or making the bed in the morning before you go to work. However, the ability to adapt and form new habits based on what will be most beneficial for your personal growth is a part of human development.

Before wrapping up this essay, I’d like to further discuss evolutionary benefits of habits and routines. I believe the only way anything can progress and prevail in human evolution is through forming routines and habits. They ground us and they develop and hone essential skills that help us realize who we are and what we can contribute to society. A set of habits and routines provide focus. Everything we do can’t just be dictated by chaos, I believe our entire human identity is heavily influenced by the habits and rituals we form. We wouldn’t continue to progress as a race if we didn’t implement routines, habits and rituals.

It took quite a long time for me to realize the influence of habits and rituals in my life, 26 years to be exact. It doesn’t matter when you discover their importance, it’s about how you handle that awareness and apply it to your daily life. My suggestion is to pay attention to the things you gravitate to naturally, and your set of habits and routines that shape your life will be revealed.

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